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Deviant for 6 Years
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Long have I been at war with myself
And a toll it's surely taken
I don't remember why it began
Or why I remain shaken

But they hold me beneath the surface
All these battles that I wage
They only serve to isolate
When can I finally turn the page

I've grown so tired of the questions
Of a deep rooted contradiction
Loving myself but never being enough
A truly heartbreaking friction

This conflict can't go on much longer
It's long past time to reassess
While there are things that I am lacking
Buried treasures I possess

I'd like to think that I could be enough
That there's no more need to fight
Perhaps I needn't be alone
Maybe new chapters I can write
Turn The Page
This poem has been a long time coming, perhaps it's me coming to terms with things. Perhaps it's just a step in the right direction. I'm not entirely sure but I'll take it nonetheless.

I've long had a firm grip on what kind of person I am and I've got a pretty good relationship with that person. But in spite of liking who I am I've always struggled with the concept of being enough. Being enough in the eyes of others, being enough in my own eyes. It's tough, we so often have things ingrained in us and those things can be hard to come to terms with. Needless to say I often haven't felt like enough, but while in some cases I'm not going to be enough surely I still can be. At least sometimes. Most people feel as if they're lacking things, it's just part of being human. But while there are things we may not be and don't have there are things we are and things we do possess. Two sides of a coin, but it's so easy to dwell on the negative.

I'm overdue for a change of perception and a small dose of clarity. Perhaps I can start working on not being so hard on myself now and focus on building myself up instead of wrestling with whatever has been trying to tear me down.
How I used to hunger
To ache incessantly
For a network of people
I've learned since

Once I craved companions
Now I seek connection
Comfortable freedom
Embers from within

I'd just like to be real
Open and genuine
Together with somebody
Perhaps I'm still aching

Friends are such treasure
The real ones I mean
Who stir up a certain warmth
Kindred stars shining bright

I wish for those stars
How I've always wished
For sparks to fly
Igniting my flammable heart
Blindsided by winds of change
Completely caught off guard
Long set pieces rearrange
For once I've drawn the wild card

Suddenly I wish to reach
To simply try for a connection
For once a wall I'd like to breach
Curiosity is my infection

It's refreshing in a strange way
Foreign as it may seem
Each person is a doorway
But not all doorways gleam

Reaching isn't a big thing
Though like a child I feel shy
Nerves unsettle like a bee sting
It isn't easy going awry

Blown off course by curiosity
Intrigued by who's behind the door
Surprised at my velocity
Propelled to develop a rapport
Wishing To Reach
This poem is a bit different, I'm used to expressing through writing and have done so hundreds of times over but this one feels a bit more vulnerable. I'd like to connect to someone and develop a friendship and I think that's probably the root of it. I've always been rather good at understanding people and getting along with them but reaching out and attempting to connect are things I've always found challenging. Not because I don't want to, I've always wanted to. I love connections and people. It's just.. hard sometimes and I'm not entirely sure why.

On more of an artsy note though, I really love how I was able to reacquire my rhyme with this poem. That may sound strange, but sometimes I'll write something and it's just very much me. That's how this poem feels.
Reluctant to reach
Unable to grasp
And quietly torn asunder

Uncertain of feelings
Riddled with holes
But leaking vivid colour

Retrained by doubts
Lodged too deep
Forever left to wonder

Churning under wraps
Struggling to break
Writhing like silenced thunder

Desperate to change
Aching for freedom
Conflict sparked down under
I feel it more than I'll admit
The dull ache reverberating within
Rolling across me in slow waves

I'd love to draw someone close
Like a lightning rod in a thunder storm
But I've never learned how

It gnaws at what I hide away
Playing on my questions and doubts
And so I stow hope deeper

I've always felt rather awkward
As if forever suspended in the middle
Something but never enough

I see life as a grand adventure
Aren't adventures meant to be shared
Perhaps given time they shall be


AzialSilvara's Profile Picture
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
If you're curious about me, just send a note or something? But I suppose I should at least put a few things here.

I'm a hobbyist poet, I've been writing for.. shit. Seven years now I think? A lot of what I've written hasn't actually made it to dA, but those were likely things I didn't want to keep. I'm Canadian, I live on a beautiful island on the west coast. I like artsy shit, music, nature, books, video games, minerals, the odd movie/show when I can find someone to watch with, singing, photography and a bunch of other things.

I also have a tumblr if any of you are interested in that sort of thing! Go stalk me at! Stalkity stalk stalk.
Well, shit. Really, it's been a long time. Hell, it's been over a year since I've uploaded anything and I'm sorry for that. I've not had a computer but that's a sorry excuse for slacking so much in regards to my writing. This time the ball was a bowling ball dropped through a hundred story glass building. Oops!

Anyway, I'm gonna be putting a conscious effort into writing more often and uploading. I'm actually doing the same bit with my singing, which I might share at some point because why the hell not? It'd be stupid to abandon my passions, so why not share them?

I apologize to all my followers, to the ones who've followed this profile because they saw something they enjoyed. Here's hoping you'll enjoy what I've got to offer you going forward!
  • Listening to: The Dark Half by Aesthetic Perfection
  • Reading: Yet another Star Wars novel because I adore them
  • Watching: You in the shower (this never changes!)
  • Playing: The Witcher 3
  • Eating: Applesauce of all things
  • Drinking: Drinking in the satisfaction of being back

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quasihedron Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist


Thanx for the llama! :D:iconblinkthanksllamaplz:

RicaRaion Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2015  Student Interface Designer
Thank you for the favs ^^
AzialSilvara Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
No prob c:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2015  Professional Writer
Thanks very much for the fave - I appreciate it! And sorry this is so late!
AzialSilvara Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
No worries amigo :)
woofer1212 Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2015   Digital Artist
thanks for the fave :D (Big Grin) 
ingeline-art Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2015   Traditional Artist
Thanks so much for the Llama - important part of life 
that makes me sooo happy!
Ingeline-art cologne ;-) (Wink)))Heart-talan ~gift 

my wall with newest paintings by ingeline-art 
AzialSilvara Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome :la:
devaughnecloudskape Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2015
Thank you for gifting me llama :D it is very much appreciate <3
AzialSilvara Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
No problem! :)
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