AzialSilvara

I don't know what it's like to be in love Or whether I should be bothered by that or not Years ago I thought I knew But whatever I thought I knew has been forgotten When I was younger I was enthralled by it It was probably the closest thing I've done to drugs The highs were euphoric and the lows ruined me But it was just a chapter and time marched on I don't know if I'm willing to try loving again Or whether I'd let anyone get that close to me Being vulnerable is a requirement And I haven't been vulnerable in a very long time Even the concept is like a dusty old book tucked away The sort of thing put in a box and left in the attic My wi

I've found it's tough to look back To read through poems I've pieced together As they stir up thoughts and feelings Reminders of the person I've been When reflecting I can be too harsh I'll pull who I've been to pieces Driven mostly by embarrassment All things considered that's probably normal It's not as if I hate all that I was But there are pieces I detest Fragments that make me sad and ashamed How very human of me I suppose I think most of us are pretty hard on ourselves Finding a negative lens isn't exactly hard While there are things I'd rather forget There were positives back then too And so sometimes I will look back Or read thro

Sometimes it takes everything you have just to move To push yourself up off the couch and take steps In order to do something simple like check the mail Just to grab an invoice to pay a monthly bill There are periods where each day will blend together Monotonous days bleeding out to the ticking of the clock And that clock ticks so goddamn slowly Each second is an eternity spent in one's head Sometimes all you want to do is stare emptily at walls The lack of energy may as well be paralysis At times you wish to embrace the vacancy and succumb to it Because there's no seeing past the blackened fog Depression obscures supports like clouds

Tormented by the tug of war I turn to words for peace Entwined with someone I abhor There will be no release The scales they tip back and forth Between disgust and self-love I'm never sure of what I'm worth Uncertainly fits like a glove Long have I been torn apart By what I value, think and believe Each day is a brand new start For all the tangled webs I weave What a very human struggle To have perceptions so convoluted How the passing seconds muddle Presenting questions stark and muted Here's to cognitive dissonance And the discomfort that it entails Mask each conflict with indifference While driving one's self off the rails

I've written words of loneliness And of feelings gone their way Spent years now bleeding myself dry Weaving the words I don't convey At times I've written about people Or perhaps how they make me feel Many poems were born from silent pain Drawn from the depths I don't reveal It begun with a creative spark That gave way to coals but rarely fire Once words were fueled by emotion As very little would inspire Words of love grew with a flourish Consequent heartbreak was a gold mine Sappy lines always felt like bubbles Unlike the stars words did align In retrospect I've shared far too much I miss the days I had more time To pour into all the

Looking back, I can't recall when things were enough And that in itself is a sobering realization There's always been just one more step to take Yet another thing to go out and accomplish This isn't to say one shouldn't take steps forward But I've been so wrapped up in what I haven't done In who I'm not, in what I haven't acquired Why did I learn to perceive this way How can I love myself yet reinforce this inadequacy When did this endless loop of reaching begin Wading into it wasn't a conscious decision That being said, I've been stuck in it all the same Over the millennia humanity has evolved and adapted With all that I still can't mea

It's amazing what people carry around What manages to become embedded over time Often without our realizing it Until these things rise to the surface I'm baffled by the burdens we shoulder By the wool we wear over our eyes We all fight such intricate battles Woven throughout the fabric of our being It hurts to know just how debilitating it can be To go through life with this invisible baggage Because struggling in silence is normal And because speaking up is shame I don't even know what I'm supposed to do As I unearth through these poem inspiring slivers Or how to alter the impact they've had Upon my psyche and upon my heart In the end

Feelings can be such confusing things They're fluid and free-flowing Often they'll catch us off guard Bubbling up in unexpected ways At times they're volatile and capricious Spurring us to hasty decisions But they're also so deep and passionate In sorrow, joy and love I've a firm grasp of my emotions Yet there is something I don't understand Why I'm so afraid of them Or where the guilt comes from My feelings are often locked up or buried Invalidated or smothered Almost exclusively by myself For someone so expressive I repress a lot In this moment I am warm and fuzzy Drinking in something stale and chaotic Though here I am as always Lost

Misconceptions can warp the mind Truth isn't always a cure Often the two become entwined Doubt haunts the insecure Sometimes it's not enough to see Reality staring you in the eye Perception is no guarantee One cannot exorcise with why How tightly we hold on to things Even when they do us harm As if bound by chains or cruel strings By a trap we can't disarm If understanding could offer peace Would it ease a troubled heart Might it lead the way to sweet release Allow a miasma to depart Could it correct a course gone wrong To assuage misplaced conviction Silence the voice of sorrow's song Or at least explain the affliction Answers found a

Bonds dissolve as time goes on If they are not maintained They're bittersweet when incomplete Intact but ever strained It hurts to know that we're at fault As old treasures slip away Do we take in stride each suicide Or on our conscience do they weigh We participate in who we keep Though it's not always our decision Feelings we spawn go on and on Old sparks may ache for a revision Relationships aren't static things How we often long for what they were What's embedded deep will often keep Some things take too long to mature Our bonds are so often overlooked We'll often assume that they're secure Until we discover our fraying threads And me